Pulling back the curtain on my childhood. (sorry Mom)
As young as I was, I could vividly remember my sister being a little baby, so tiny with a little patch of hair sticking straight up at the top of her head. I could say she was the jewel of my Mothers eye. And that thinking never stopped me, it ruined my innocent mind, polluting it with evil thoughts that, this little baby was better then me, that I was less and she was more. My Mother didn’t seem to help making these thoughts stop, in fact she encouraged it then. (Now let me take a moment here and tell you that yes, in our lives we look back and hate the person we once were and let me be the first to say I KNOW that my mother hated who she was at this time in her life, there isn’t a time where she apologizes when we watch a home video or we talk about something from the past. I have forgiven my Mother after years of heartache and brokeness, actually I can call her my Best friend.) But before we get to the happy ending let me continue… I was the outcast when it came to the privacy of our home, as we got older my sister would purposely find ways to get me in-trouble so she can play her way with the Barbies or stop the game cause she wasn’t having fun anymore. She would yell at the top of her lungs saying “MOM, MOM ,MOM!” while pinching or biting herself. And I would be shouting “STOP! STOP! STOP!” because I knew what she was trying to do. But of course when Mom came in to see what was going on, no questions asked, I was sent to my room for the rest of the day till Dad got home. I remember a big part of growing up my bed was my comfort, my bed was the place where I felt safe, I could hear my Mom and sister laughing in the other room, playing, and coloring or watching a movie, while I was “punished.” I honestly felt like my Mother didn’t want to deal with me, so it was easy to just have me away in the room. I don’t know till this day why she treated me the way she did, but it no doubt made me a strong girl. As I went from a child to a teen I developed a hate for my Mom, a hate that was so ugly it seeped out of my mouth and disrespected all that she was. I cursed, pushed and constantly disobeyed her, because I just couldn’t take it no more, and that as my way of fighting back. Not that it was right, nothing I did was acceptable nor was my attitude any help either. We would constantly bump heads, yell and scream at each-other and for a while their I didn’t have a door to slam on her face. Even just thinking about the past gives me such grief in my heart, I wish the me now can go back and hug the me then, sitting alone on my bed crying because I knew that wasn’t the way to act but I couldn’t express why I disliked my Mom so much, I knew it wasn’t normal, I knew something was wrong. It was me. I blamed myself for all the wrong, all the tears my Mother shed and all the times my sister didn’t want to “play” with me. No one wanted me around because I was always in a bad mood, or I caused a fight and ruined the “nice time” we were all having. I just distanced myself and became very secretive and lonely, lost without a mother to share those special times with. I remember one night I got “caught” my mom went through my drawers and found these horrendous notes that I passed between friends at school. She spread them all out on her bed, read the worst ones of course and showed my Dad. That to me was always the worst, I never and still don’t like it when my dad sees me mess up, I have so much love and respect for that man, he’s always done me right and loved me endlessly, so to disappoint the man I treasure close to my heart to see me talk/ write ugly words about boys, girls, and immature things was devastating. They called me into their room on a wednesday night and asked, “What’s this?” I scanned their bed and walked as fast as I could to my room. With guilt, shame and embarrassment, I couldn’t take being the disappointment anymore. They followed me to my room and tried to talk to me, I was surprised that they weren’t knocking down my door or forcing their way inn. It was almost as if at that moment the Lord soften their hearts and changing the way they talked to me. I had a second door in my room that led to an enclosed garage with a lock on it and there is where I hid. My mom opened the door and sat at the next door I was cowardly hiding behind. I remember her words “Roxy please, were not made at you, please mama come out” Those were the words I had so desperately wanted to hear my whole life, it pained me that she was being so kind and patience with me, I wanted to fling open that door and hug her, just hug her and be lost in her arms. But the truth was I was ashamed, embarrassed and thought she was better off without me. I found a bottle of my dogs “anti flea” medicine and took a swig of it to poison myself, at that moment I was done with myself. In my head I was asking God “Why did you make me come into this world?” “All I do is disappoint.” “Why did you bring me here?” I stayed in that garage till the late hours of the night, until everyone was asleep. I crept open the door and went to my bed. I laid my body down as if it were a scene from the Adams Family, I threw my middle fingers up in the air and said “F-U God.” I closed my eyes hoping to never see daylight again.(side note: while all of this was going on my mother was praying for me and my life in the living room) She said she heard me go to my bed and later stood beside my bed and prayed over me. The next morning I awoke and to my failed attempt to end my life I was even more upset.. “God you don’t even want me in Heaven?” After that I was at the lowest part of my life then. I was in a rut, stuck in a pit where it was too hard to climb back out and start again or at least I thought. I had given up, I had lost the battle of fighting back for love and attention. I guess you can say I was just floating though life after that, not really on any side of the fence just walking right on it (which is the most dangerous place to be, if your not in your OUT!) In Highschool I was mentored by a beautiful, strong God fearing women who poured into me my whole H.S years. I trusted her with everything I had bottled inside me, wanting to be more like her and desiring her wisdom and knowledge I started reading my Bible and attending church willingly. I cant say that I remember the exact day and time and moment I received Christ in my heart ( I was raised in a Godly home although not perfect, God was always made number One in our home and it was a priority that every Sunday and wednesday no questions asked we knew we were going to church, never have we missed a church service growing up unless there was a emergency or wedding and we couldn’t possibly make it. Church, God and prayer were instilled in us at a very young age) At sometime in my teen years I committed my life to God, wanting to change the person I had always been and letting go of the pain and hurt I had received and also given to the women who bore me. I remember coming home from a church service and telling my mom I want to talk to her in my room privately, I wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to go but I was obedient to apologize and fix our relationship. My mom and I talked and talked, no fighting, no arguing just tears and healing filled up the conversation and that’s when the healing for our relationship began, the day I got the mother I always wanted and she the daughter she was missing. Praise the Lord for He restores! Now fast forward 10+ years I still have my loving mother, I would never change a moment of my past for anything, it has made us stronger and closer then any mother daughter relationship.. I like to think.
Mom, I love you, Im sorry I had to bring up the past, but it was for a season of growing, changing and restoration and Im thankful for all of it. You have shown me what its like to be something I never want to be to my kids but also a growing and beautiful example of love and kindness and patience, something that I want to endlessly pour into my children. You have become the mother of my dreams and more. Thank you for your forgiveness and for your patience but most importantly your prayers and obedience to God, with out Him and His endless love I know we would never have what we have now. You are my best friend, you are my Mother and I could never wrap my head around the day you go home to God, I cannot loose you, I cannot go a day without talking to you, we still need each other. Thank you for your sacrifice, thank you isn’t enough, I love you will never sufic, my heart is full of your love!